Are We Really Regulating Ourselves?

Nervous System Regulation Tool or Toxic Dissociation?

Are you truly re-regulating your nervous system or just temporarily escaping the discomfort of chronic dysregulation? Bit of both? (Same, twin.) What makes us feel better right now, might not be helping us feel good in the long term. In fact, toxic dissociation may be making our life pretty dang shitty.

Nothing reveals our fragile nervous system fixes to be temporary, quite like the endurance test of Neurodivergent parenting and partnering. 

Consider two possible responses to fatigue: coffee or sleep. Both may relieve our sense of exhaustion, but we know the jittery feeling of drinking too much coffee is not the same as the well rested feeling of having had a good night's sleep. Caffeine and sleep have completely different effects on our mood and capacity. (Oh the irony, that I am drinking coffee while I write this, dear reader.)

What is not actually nervous system regulation?

• Alcohol

• Avoidance 

• Bingeing

• Bullying

• Busyness 

• Caffeine 

• Coercion

• Competition 

• Control

• Demanding service

• Dissociation 

• Distraction 

• Drugs

• Gambling

• Get backs 

• Gossip

• Grudges

• Ignoring 

• Masking

• Media Maxing 

• Nicotine

• Obsessing

• Partying

• Passive aggression 

• Picking

• Planning

• Pretending

• Productivity 

• Risk Seeking

• Restriction

• Ruminating

• Sex

• Scrolling

• Shopping

• Spending 

• Transactional giving

• Vacation

• Vengeance 

Though these things may provide short term relief from our nervous system's activated threat response, they do not resolve the threat. They may feel good, but they don't meet our unmet needs, respond appropriately to danger, nor increase our capacity for stress or stimulation. These distractions don't examine the root cause of our dysregulation, nor take action to address that cause. Nothing on this list gets our bodies closer to true safety, though it may temporarily relieve our sense that we are not safe. They don't actually regulate a dysregulated nervous system.

Further, not only are these actions failing to regulate us, some of these coping mechanisms are associated with entitled behaviors that harm the people we love. When a Neurodivergent parent or grandparent uses toxic dissociation to manage their nervous system's threat response, it causes intergenerational trauma in their entire Neurodiverse family. It has a serious impact on their family's mental and physical health. 

So, what is truly regulating?

• Animals

• Awe

• Balance

• Bouncing 

• Building

• Breathing

• Chanting

• Compression 

• Co-regulation 

• Creativity 

• Crying 

• Dance

• Deep pressure 

• Exercise 

• Expression

• Flow

• Friendship 

• Fun

• Journaling

• Kindness

• Making 

• Meditation

• Movement

• Nature

• Neurokindred 

• Play

• Rest

• Rhythm 

• Rocking

• Sensory needs

• Singing

• Sleep

• Spinning

• Swinging

• Talking

• Therapy

• Volunteering

• Water

• Writing

For me, I need a wide variety of re-regulation tools, many different things I can reach for and rely on. What works for me today, might not work tomorrow, in a different place, around different people, under different circumstances. 

And what works for me, may not work for you. 

There are as many ways to regulate a nervous system as there are nervous systems. What works for your bodymind will be different from what works for me. The same way we are distressed by different stimuli, we will be relieved by different stimuli. And how you and I respond will be different, because we have different traits, traumas, triggers, abilities, and resources. 

The keys to building your unique nervous system regulation tool kit? Observation, experimentation, creativity, and curiosity. 

Once you discover the things that truly help you re-regulate, let's not stop at temporary relief. What if we no longer stop at the edge of distress? What if we re-regulate, and then, make some changes? We wake up to the root cause of our distress and to take action to address the cause. We learn to express our dysregulation to appropriate people, in a way that's safe for us and for them. We may decide we want to build our tolerance to that dysregulating input, or we may decide to make choices to avoid that type of input entirely, in the future. Re-regulation tools can help us get out of survival brain and access our learning, communicating, and decision-making mind.

Is the point of seeking nervous system relief to feel a smidge better or to motivate us towards an awesome, authentic life? 

We want to exit the dysregulated survival brain, and then, we want to activate the learning and planning parts of the brain, because we don't just need to calm down and forget, we also need to gain new skills, build stronger relationships, increase our capacity, meet our unmet needs, align with our purpose, and accommodate ourselves. We want nervous system solutions that provide long term relief and higher quality of life, not just a mental band aid or a mini vacation.

What unusual thing regulates you? I love to hula hoop! Is there a helpful nervous system regulation tool that I forgot to add to this list? Please add it below. 

Love,

Katherine 

*As always, I am not a mental health professional. I am a multi Neurodivergent person who has learned a lot from my neurokindred and our shared lived experiences. This is not a diagnostic tool nor medical advice.*